That massage oil and our long distance marriage

Let's Talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, February 20, 2012

Dear Counsellor,

I love my husband with every fibre of my being. We have been married for less than a year. Currently we are in two different countries and see each other every six to eight weeks. I am trusting God that soon we will be able to be together permanently. He lives in Jamaica and I live in the United States.

My husband is a well respected businessman in Jamaica. I know him as a man of good moral character; he is a man of principle. When we are apart, we remain in constant communication. There is not a day that goes by that he does not call. Our sexual intimacy is superb whenever we are together.

That being said, there are times when I question if he genuinely loves and cares for me the way I do him, or if he is just with me for other reasons/gain. I visited recently, and there were a couple of things I found in our home that aroused by suspicion that there may be someone else. There was a photo of him with another woman, and massage oils, etcetera. Additionally, he screened his calls and would only answer certain calls/texts in my presence.

I have not questioned him about any of this yet. Am I reading too much into the things I have seen? I do love my husband very much and do not want to entertain the thought of him being unfaithful to me. I pray daily that God will continually bless us with a healthy and happy marriage.

Long distance relationships do present the opportunity for unfaithfulness on the part of one or both parties. It takes discipline, self-control and a serious commitment to the relationship for such a relationship to remain intact. Sometimes, even with the best efforts, mistakes are made and unplanned things do happen.

Certainly the items you came across do suggest that he may well be engaged in a new pasttime, but before you draw any conclusions, it best you approach him and ascertain the facts. He could well have taken up massage as a new hobby which could explain the massage oils, but he must be practising his craft with a willing partner.

When you confront him on these discoveries, make sure you do so face to face and at the right time. Addressing this matter via telephone, e-mail or instant messaging is not advisable as you need to observe his body language as well. If you know your partner well enough you can tell when he is not being truthful.

Ignoring these red flags will only leave you in a state of anxiety, especially being so many miles away. It is better you deal with the matter now than wait till it's too late.

If after speaking with him you are satisfied that he has indeed been busy while you are away, to save the marriage, another approach will have to be pursued regarding the long distance relationship.

You see, the first few years of togetherness in a marriage are critical as the couple develops a special bond that cements the relationship. This is the missing element in your marriage that is creating the concerns you are having.

If living in the same country is not possible given the circumstances, then sit with your husband and express to him your concerns, encourage and even challenge him to stay committed to the marriage.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.

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That massage oil and our long distance marriage