Married ex wants me to be her lover

Wayne Powell

Sunday, March 05, 2017

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Dear Counsellor,


I am a 34-year-old man. My ex has been married to someone else for about five years now. She tells me that her husband doesn’t care about her feelings. She says she does not enjoy sex with him and that they quarrel very often. She called me recently and asked me to have sex with her. She wants me to help her out, as a friend. What should I do?




So your ex-girlfriend who has been married for five years is complaining to you about how unhappy she in her marriage, and wants you to help her out in the sex department as her husband is not performing up to scratch.


No doubt you both had a good thing going, but for some reason the relationship ended and she moved on without you and selected someone else to be her lawful wedded husband.


Now she wants a ‘friend with benefits’ arrangement with you, as there is no indication that she plans to leave her husband. Let’s now examine the pros and cons of the offer she is proposing.


On the pro side, you both will enjoy each other’s company, albeit for short periods.


On the con side, you will be assisting her to cheat on her husband. She will call on you when she needs you, and so she would call the shots in terms of the link-ups. The likelihood of you reigniting the past relationship may occur, and you could get emotionally attached. But you can’t expect anything more than what the arrangement would prescribe. Also, she may feel guilty after a while and decide to discontinue the arrangement. Her husband could also find out about the affair and get physically abusive to her, and he may even seek you out and resort to violence. Let’s stop here. Do you see that the cons far outweigh the pros?


Is it worthwhile to subject yourself to such drama, and at the end of the day when she decides to fix things with her husband you are left holding the empty bag?


As much as you would want to help your friend, there are some things she should sort out on her own. Whatever she is experiencing in her marriage, she should seek professional help to address those issues.


She decided to choose this man over you, but now she is expecting you to satisfy the physical needs that her husband should. If there are challenges, then they both need to work on the shortcomings as a couple.




Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.

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