Maid, cook, stay-at-home daddy

By DONNA HUSSEY-WHYTE All Woman writer husseyd@jamaicaobserver.com

Monday, January 23, 2012

FRED Campbell's routine is much of the same everyday. He drops his wife to work and his son to school, then he returns home, sweeps up, cleans, washes on select days, and then relaxes to listen to Perkins On Line. When school lets out he goes to collect his child, then returns home where he does the homework/dinner routine, before he has to pick up his wife again.

This he has been doing since his son, three in March, was six months old, and his wife returned to work after an extended maternity leave.

Before that, he worked as a driver for a distributor company and then quit to be a taxi operator, and his wife had worked up to her ninth month of pregnancy.

He will tell anyone who will listen that he has it "good", and he preaches the importance of one parent being available full time to meet the child's needs.

"My child will not go to daycare," insisted Campbell, whose name and others in the story have been changed.

He had worked on and off as a taxi driver while his wife was pregnant and immediately after the child's birth, but quit as soon as she returned to work. Nowadays he will do charters occasionally when a neighbour or friend needs his services, but for the most part plays daddy, maid, cook, and full-time househusband.

Alfonso is laid up at home with a bad leg from an accident, and has no intention of returning to work. He has invested the insurance money from the accident, and his wife makes good money managing a bakery in Mandeville.

"We made the decision that it didn't make sense for me to return to driving trucks for people, and my father-in-law, who had lived with us, passed on, so there would have been no one at home when the children got home from school," he reasoned. "I'll always have a limp and metal in my leg, so my heavy-duty working days are over."

Nowadays he sends the children off to school and does the cleaning and laundry while he has the house to himself. He attends school meetings and does the shopping and looks over homework and has dinner on the table when his family gets home.

"I was 46 when the accident happened, I'm 48 now," he said. "The decision we made was perfect for our survival as a family."

Househusband beaten with a pot cover

The men's choice to stay home is rare in Jamaica, where, even if the situation is actually evident in homes, experts list it as less of a choice by families, and more of an economic factor.

Dr Herbert Gayle, anthropologist at the University of the West Indies and president of Fathers' Inc, said while a number of men are in fact staying home, it is not an option for them but a spin-off from unemployment, as a number of them have been laid off or are unemployable.

And he said, regardless of the reason for men staying home, they are looked down on, not only by the society in general, but by their own partners.

"Yes these men are looked down upon by many of their spouses," said Gayle. "Yes, a lot of women look down on these men, a lot of cases we have in front of us (Fathers' Inc) directly, where a lot of the women pretend it's OK and when the pressure reaches them they tell the man he is not a man.

"I have always encouraged women not to encourage it — the 'I go to work and the man stay at home', because I know for sure that when the frustration hits them there will be problems. I know of one case where the woman actually started to beat the guy... when the frustration hit her she beat him with the pot cover."

Gayle said in cases where the men genuinely choose to stay at home the women earn more money, are very mature and are not given to beating their men.

"For that is a major problem, where the woman will beat the men..." he said. "I think we kind of overdo the father wanting to stay at home thing," he declared. "Men are biologically hunters. But men are not primarily homemakers."

The women say:

All Woman asked a few women their thoughts on men staying at home while women work. These were the responses:

Dorain Phillips, 23, Duhaney Park, St Andrew:

It would depend on the circumstances. If I know that he is usually the type of man who always works hard and lost his job, and as long as I see him trying to get a job again, then I can work with him. If while he stays home he is washing, cooking and cleaning for that time that he is home then I have no problem with that, because it is less strain on me. But if it is a long-term thing, no sah! I couldn't work with that at all! Worse if all he does is stay home and watch soap operas and have friends over to drink. No. That could not work.

Bridgette Rose, 38, Arnett Gardens, Kingston:

No woman can be happy in such a situation! I am in that very position and I don't appreciate it because if he was working the money would stretch more. It is very stressing to have a man sit down at home doing nothing and you alone have to go out and work. Especially when he can find something to do. If he was working his dollar could put on mine and the bills would be less on me. Right now he will pick up my daughter from school but he's not washing and it's only like a week now I notice he's started cooking when I am at work. In fact, I understand that when I am gone to work and leave him with the kids — one four-years-old and one four months — he just leaves the bigger one with the little one and gone 'bout him business. More time I have to just cuss him off and tell him some awful things. I call him 'Ole worthless bwoy!' and tell him he's 'worse than a infidel'.

Alecia Palmer, 36, Arnett Gardens, Kingston:

Man not supposed to stay at home. The Lord say the man is the head of the household, just like how Christ is the head of the church. They are the breadwinners so as long as him not a thief or a gunman he should go out and work to support his family — that is a man's job! One hand can't clap! So if it's even to go out and sell bag juice or phone card, do something! The Bible say 'don't feed a lazy man', so him can't eat my food!

Nicola Murray, 41, Cross Roads, St Andrew:

A maama man dat! Nuh man can't come to me with that! And live in whose house? If it's a case that him get fired or him lose him job then him can stay home for a while, yes. But everyday mi have to see the effort him putting out to find work. I am not minding any man. Yes I don't mind him helping out with the kids and taking care of the house, but as far as I am concerned he can — and should — do that even while he's working 'cause I am working and I have to do that too. So it has to be both of us in everything! I could not sleep with a man like that.

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COMMENTS (18)

jan watts
2/1/2012

There is nothing wrong when two people can understand each other and the man stay at home. Those ladies that spoke about not wanting a man like that are sick. That only goes to show they with a men because of what he have to offer, what if the tables were turn? If my husband has been working all along and he can't work anymore or find work, stay home yes and do all i would do or use to do. Its not what is done its how its done. The rich do it all the time, grow up and move with time.

John Banton
1/30/2012

So its ambition that makes a woman want to go out & work but laziness for a man to stay home & take care of the kids LOL. Yet we wonder why our society is what it is today. Its simple... kids have to be raising themselves because mom & dad are too busy competing for the title of bread winner & head of the household.and the respect that comes with it.. Being a caregiver is apparently not a glamourous enough title these days.

J J
1/30/2012

I have no problem with a stay at home dad, staying at home is by far harder than going to work. If we have stay at home moms why can't we have stay at home dads? If we are calling for equality what's the problem??

Shorna Watson
1/29/2012

Women continue to fight for equal rights in society as they need be respected as human beings and not be seen as just breeders in society, a right to education, a right to be employed earning the same pay for job done by their male counterparts so that they can contribute financially to their family. If men decide to stay home without making some form of arrangement in terms of gaining extra income for their family, they can indulge themselves, but not in a nuclear family settings. There are other “family” settings available that they can explore if they desire to be on the receiving end

diehardr sickheads
1/29/2012

In a middle class home the notion of a man staying home while the woman go out go work pleeeeeeeeeeeese.many women even with the changing world and equality still dont believe they should share financing or their spouse earning less than them.Many women dont even care how their husbands look, feel or dress as long as the mony a run even although they are earning their own mony.Maybe is not selfishness is just a jamaican woman thing. In us and other countries a common thing for women share.

Kenneth Campbell
1/29/2012

I'm all for men staying home and taking care of kids, house and dog. Women have been pushing for equality for years and so they must experience what many have taken for granted for years. They should all get degrees and big jobs and take care, protect and help out with the house work as men are not expected to do. We are all equal, equal, equal. I would love to have someone bring home money while I work at home taking care of my family, it would be a blessing especially in these days.

Shorna Watson
1/29/2012

Robert Soorf I like your settings as well, if an employable able bodied man Intentionally avoid the workforce by staying home without adequately providing additional income for his family will not be respected by me nor the broader society. In this case the only reason why I would not recommend the pot cover “therapy” (beaten) for him from his spouse is because 1) the children would be exposed to violence in this action and 2) she will run afoul of the law, otherwise this “therapy” or method of encouragement to seek employment would be just an understatement in my book. If men want to reverse their role as head of the house and provider, there is an alternative family life style available now in Jamaica to accommodate such settings, but I don’t think a nuclear family setting would be appropriate in this case, because once there is an obvious distinction between both sexes in the house then we as a society are expecting certain “norms” in how they both provide and care for their families. If men want reverse role in caring for their families start giving birth as well, and give some of us women a break in this task.

Shorna Watson
1/28/2012

I stick to my story that this is a good husband because of a few characteristics displayed in this particular story. I am not encouraging men to stay home and reverse the role of caregiver. This man suffers from a physical disability, yet he makes himself available for his family,he takes on charters occasionally and I am sure that he invested his money so that it could generate a second income,otherwise I would strongly encourage men to hold their position as financial providers for the family

Gary Smith
1/27/2012

People will say that a stay at home man is lazy because people expect men to work and spend their money on women and kids. When women have to do this, its considered a big job but when men do it its a disgrace; so much for EQUALITY. There are going to be more stay at home fathers so unu betta prepare for the onslaught. Time to swing the pendulum around. Leave the children with their fathers and let the women go out and work and protect us and better themselves, I'm all for it, equality mi seh.

STEPHANIE W
1/26/2012

Why bother interview people on the road, some of them just have no sense. A couple of them them are already degrading the man saying he's lazy but the article is specifically talking about a man that is taking care of things at home. I wish I made enough money for my husband to stay home, he cleans and cooks better than me! How can some women say it's lazy for a man to be home, but then argue that being a stay at home mom IS a job and want respect for it...sigh....

Richard Soorf
1/25/2012

I have been a stay at home dad with 2 children, run my own business
rental property my wife has worked part time and went to school, or worked full time. I use to bicycle ride to school with the children,
coach their soccer team, go to all the games. As a man I feel very fulfill. I have no problems cooking doing laundry or cleaning house. I
look to forward to the future. I believe the children are our future and it is the job of a parent to stack the deck for their children

Sean H.
1/25/2012

A little part time work or volunteerism AND some studying is always good for the stay at home person. Staying at home and doing nothing constructive will eventually lead to 'wutlissniss'.

Ms. Coral
1/24/2012

This article follows the same note as the previous article titled "Barefoot and Pregnant". I will respond the same: to each his own. Each family knows what can be accommodated in that unit. I salute the couple that choose either routes. However, barring extenuating circumstances, I would suggest that the man finds a part-time work somewhere. This may alleviate simmering resentment in the future. I gave similar advice to the ladies who wanted to stay home and remain bare feet and pregnant.

Shorna Watson
1/24/2012

For the person who is having a problem over how (s)he thinks I understand the article, you may have a point I realized the mistake after reading my own posting, however the bottom line still remains this man appears to be a good husband and father and I don't care how he invested his insurance money, I am not his wife.

The Patriot
1/23/2012

The majority of men take care of their families especially children all the time. I cant understand why some people try to make it seem as if it is far fetched, this is the norm. Watch both news on tv and listen to the radio when a man is killed all you can hear is how he took care of the family, how he was the bread winner who did everything and how life will be hard economically for them now that he is gone. Men do it all and silently, take care of the strong women and children. Quietly.

Magar Boy
1/23/2012

So let me see now, when a woman does it, she works hard to maintan the family. when a man does it he is a "maama man" "one hand cant clap" "and bible says not to feed a LAZY MAN". Detect the irony here?

Jack Johanssen
1/23/2012

To the first poster, please reread the article, especially the sentence about the bloke investing his insurance money. I hate when time is not taken to read and comprehend.

Shorna Watson
1/23/2012

I understand these ladies concerns about their partner staying at home while they work, but I also respect the family settings in the article. This man invested his insurance savings obtained from an accident into a bakery which his wife manage and with his physical disability he and his wife decided that it would be best for their family for him to be home with his children. I think this man should be respected and "coloured" a good husband and dad. This man gets my highest regards!!

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Maid, cook, stay-at-home daddy