Dear Counsellor

My ex-boyfriend and I want to be together. We have been very much in love with each other for the past 30 years, but we have both been married to other people for the past 25 years. He was away and we have just reunited in the past six months. We are both unhappy in our marriages. In my case, my husband is an alcoholic and is very abusive. My ex's wife gives him no attention as she is consumed with her job. He is 65 and I am 60. We truly love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. What advice would you give?

You do have many cases where couples are unhappily married. In some instances they probably should not have been married to each other in the first place but did so under duress or for economic benefits or status. Sometimes they never loved each other in the first place, which is a necessary ingredient for a sustainable marital relationship.

You have not indicated why you didn't get married to your ex-boyfriend 30 years ago, but I assume there was a plausible reason that prevented the matrimonial union then. The fact though, is that you have both decided to commit your lives to other people, and every effort must be made to fix your relationship, and he must do the same.

In your case, if as you have reported your husband has a drinking problem, he must get help and he will need your support as his wife to deal with this destructive habit. Abuse of any kind, whether physical or otherwise, cannot and should not be condoned, and so you must ensure your physical and emotional health and well-being is intact at all times. Professional help can be sought for both of you to effectively deal with any dysfunction that may exist in the relationship.

In the case of your ex-boyfriend, he too must seek to address the issue of his wife who is seemingly neglecting her responsibilities as a wife. He must find ways of getting through to his wife without getting into a verbal or physical confrontation.

The point is, although you both have eyes for each other, you both need to focus on addressing the issues in your respective relationships and not be distracted. Reigniting an old flame can be quite dangerous as it may push you both to engage in sexual relations that will definitely complicate matters. So if you can't be good, be careful.

As the Jamaican saying goes, "si mi and come live wid me a two different thing". You can never tell what could happen if you were to terminate your current relationship and marry your ex. You could regret it. Sometimes it's best to stick to the evil that you know.

Notwithstanding though, there have been instances where couples reunite after many years of being apart. They get married and finally experience love the second time around.

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