'Prolonged monogamy is a farce'

By NADINE WILSON All Woman writer wilsonn@jamaicaobserver.com

Monday, January 30, 2012

SUPER passionate and apparently very much in love, Kiss from a Rose singer Seal and fashion icon Heidi Klum were being touted as the perfect couple. But their recently announced split might have provided even more ammunition for marriage critics that the institution is a farce.

The two have never been shy about putting their love on display and this was evident in the lavish themed party they threw every year to renew their wedding vows. So fans and friends of the couple are still evidently reeling from the couple's shock revelation last Sunday that they are calling it quits after seven years.

With their marriage and that of so many others over the past few years now down the toilet, some have been forced to ponder the idea that marriage might be a waste of time, that unconditional love doesn't exist and that the ring ceremony might not lead to something so permanent after all.

Among those who hold this view is international lawyer and transformational coach Courtney Kazembe, who deduced that it is "one of the ugliest institutions that human beings have invented".

"Most of the misery in the world is a direct cause of marriage," the divorce lawyer told All Woman before warning, "Do not get married, and if you're already married, get a divorce!"

And with others insisting that relationships are seasonal and that prolonged monogamy isn't natural, it begs the question, is the disintegration of relationships inevitable?

Relationship expert Wayne Powell believes that it is possible for a marriage to last, although it will take a lot of work on the part of the two individuals involved.

"Commitment is the key to the sustenance of a healthy marriage. Both parties must seek to uphold and maintain the vows they made to each other," he said before reciting these vows, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part."

"The truth is, however, some couples were just not meant to be married to each other as they share nothing in common except the matrimonial bed. They may not even love each other but get married because of convenience, circumstances, fad or force," Powell said.

Kazembe believes marriages fail because they come with too many pitfalls which contribute to the relationships becoming toxic after a while. In some cases too, he said, couples could end up becoming like brothers and sisters.

"The relationship becomes the same, day after day. You may still love each other but you love the person the same way you love your brother or sister. The sexual passion does not exist anymore," he said.

Powell is of the view that any marriage can survive the pitfalls when couples learn to manage their conflicts, commit to their marriage vows and communicate. More than anything else, he believes the relationship should be anchored on a firm foundation so that it can withstand everything life throws at it. Failure to ensure this is the quickest route to a divorce.

After 49 years of marriage and 12 children, Lorenzo and Dora Patterson admit that their marriage has seen its fair number of challenges, however, they have always managed to overcome them.

Lorenzo fell in love with his wife when he first laid eyes on her as she toiled in a garment factory his friend had invited him to see. After two years of courtship, the two got married and say the passion is still very much alive in their relationship.

"We do everything together, we hide no secrets from each other," said Lorenzo of his wife, now 92. "If we are in the kitchen and she finish cook, then I wash the dishes and I sweep the yard, I help her do everything."

"I love him now, even more than before, especially now that we are at home together. When we were much younger, he used to work out and come home in the evenings, but now, every day we looking into each other's face," said Dora, while pointing out that communication is key to the sustainability of their relationship.

For love to last, some argue, you have to be committed to loving another without any conditions and only Jesus Christ alone is capable of giving that level of sacrificial love.

"The rest of us mortal men and women display conditional love, 'I love you because of', not 'I love you in spite of'," explained Powell.

There are those who argue too that marriage as an institution is in crisis because prolonged monogamy is impossible. As Powell puts it, "the heart is willing, but the flesh is weak" and as a result some stray from their vows to forsake all others.

"The main challenge is to remain focused and not be distracted. It is strongly believed that a 'one burner' stove is not sufficient and so some males — and females too — seek to increase the burners on the stove. However, with creativity and a strong determination to remain faithful to each other, a monogamous relationship can survive," he said.

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COMMENTS (11)

KC Anne
2/3/2012

John Banton, I don't know where in my comment you saw me romanticizing anything. God allowed Solomon, David, et. al to have multiple wives and concubines but He never sanctioned or agreed with it. They weren't smitten down but they paid the price for these acts. Especially in David & Solomon's cases, they repented, were forgiven and from these experiences we have the beautiful books of Proverbs, Psalms & Ecclesiastes. Don't latch on to the part of them having concubines but focus on the AFTER.

John Banton
2/3/2012

KC Anne, Solomon saw it fit to have several wives and he's touted as being the wisest man that ever lived hmmm..LOL...besides many of the"biblical heroes" had concubines and fathered children with different women. I dont recall any of them being smitten down because of it. Jamaica was born out of slavery & you dont change culture overnight. Marriage is not the institution it used to be because people dont marry for love any more but for status & other ambitions. So stop romanticizing it.

KC Anne
2/2/2012

Ms. Coral & Antonette W. you are always the voices of reason and morals. For all those who believe that monogamy is a farce, be not deceived, the God who made us is not mocked. He made us to be monogamous but we choose not to be because we allow ourselves to be controlled by our sinful, selfish passions and tendencies. Marriage was instituted by God from the beginning and always will be relevant and holy to the end of time. Nothing is wrong with marriage, it is us who are flawed.

Lilieth Rigdon
2/1/2012

Marriage is a personal choice, A factor in the longevity of any event in life is the value with which we place on it. If the ultimate goal is to stay married then one has to put up with the ride when it gets rough. Tabloid reports about celebrities make us question our own values. Life and marriage, are not for the puny, so let's not throw out marriage or monogomy because we are afraid to push past the hurt to get to the victory. Choices we make call for lots of effort, so why not marriage

Ms. Coral
2/1/2012

Antonette W, thank you. Indeed you are correct! Perhaps he may also be considering monogamy in all forms? I have found that some people have many failed relationships without coming to realize that they are the problem. So, if I am the problem, how do I escape myself? Why then should I blame monogamy? He should be pushing for some people to consider a lifetime or partial celibacy or at least have therapy before entering a relationship. That way, they are less likely to ruin other people's lives.

Antonette W.
2/1/2012

Ms. Coral, you are always prepared with the wisdom some of these so-called experts lack. I wonder if he does not realize that it's not just marriages that end. Sometimes intimate "relationships" outside of actual marriages also end. So then, are people supposed to stop having relationships because there's a possibility they too could end?

Evan Archer
1/31/2012

There was a study , published some years ago , I cannot remember when and by whom. However , it proposed , that there was a chemical composition in the brain , which predisposed ones willingness or lack of , to develop a committed relationship.

Peter Lawrence
1/31/2012

The human species is not naturally monogamous. If so, one mating would be all we could do, but either a widower, or a widow will often have relationships . Monogamy survives because it CAN offer a psychological closeness not easily available elsewhere with anyone else. It usually is the WOMAN who offers such unconditional love that a man would be foolish to throw that away. Her price? monogamy. So OK. She's there when he has a bad car accident, an operation, loses job. This wife is GOLD to him.

Ms. Coral
1/30/2012

Real Estate, thank you for your kind comments. As you have indicated, there is something comforting in the familiar. You know, when you get to know your spouse to the point where you have become two halves of the same whole. There is monotony in monogamy; but, there also assurance, belonging, & comfort, things that cannot be found in transient relationships. Life is fraught with monotony on the job, in traffic, & in our communities. Even our children follow a predictable path.

Real Estate
1/30/2012

Ms. Coral, I hope your name has not been trade marked by some else. Let me add that I agree with everything you have written.
Of course marriage is not about the loins as you know. It is a boring, steady, comfortable condition that should last a life time. Just as when you live in an elegant home you would not swap it for a woodshed; the same goes for marriage. When you are married to a simply fabulous, kind person no one would swap he or her for someone else.
They are not models; choose wisely

Ms. Coral
1/30/2012

If we are going to enter into relationships solely to sate the fire in our loins, then our marriages will ultimately fail. We are recently learning that people who have too many partners are apt to having certain cancers. You would think that this would serve as a strong argument for monogamy. Lastly, why are we looking to "Hollywood" to set our standards? When did these people become the rubric against which we measure our own lives and relationships? Surely we are not so foolish!

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'Prolonged monogamy is a farce'