Dear Counsellor,

I have been the abuser in my relationship and so far I have gone to the extent of choking my wife for actions that I felt were wrongs done to me. I'm deeply sorry and I'm living in shame and need help. What can I do to change my life?

The first hurdle of your troubles has been cleared in that you have accepted responsibility for your actions and you have also reached out for help. Physical and/or emotional abuse in a relationship is hurtful both to the abused and the abuser.

The abuser, as in your case, experiences guilt and shame and feels as if he/she is seemingly controlled by some evil force that possesses his/her body. The abused on the other hand suffers much physical and/or emotional pain and embarrassment.

Such a relationship is considered dysfunctional and is usually terminated by the offended partner after years of living hell. Some, however, make up their minds to live with the abuse usually for the sake of the children or for the financial and or social benefits to be had.

Abusers themselves usually come from homes where domestic abuse is prevalent and so the behaviour pattern is learned. Domestic abuse is not so much about the perpetrator losing self-control, but about the abuser exerting excessive power and control over the victim.

To effectively address this negative behaviour, psychotherapy is required. The therapist would engage you in talk therapy sessions to ascertain the basis for the aggressive behaviour and lead you in anger management therapy sessions.

In the meanwhile, you need to seek forgiveness from your wife and make efforts to restore the marital relationship. Your wife may need counselling intervention as well as she may well be suffering emotional and psychological hurt. It is important that you give her time to deal with the issue and bear in mind that forgiveness may not be readily offered at this time. You have to show by your actions that you truly regret your actions and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to correct the wrongs you have committed.

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