FOR some time I have been noticing a trend but I was afraid to highlight it in this column because the subjects under review are powerful people — real heavyweights.
Then I remembered I only live once, so I'm going for it.
Have you noticed the direct correlation between the girths of some our politicians and victory of their political party?
I know it's not just me.
OK, here I go.
Now I'm a loyal and patriotic Jamaican, I do not vote, but most importantly, I'm a taxpayer so I have every right to support, critique and humour our elected leaders when they deserve it. Show no mercy is my motto. When they signed up for office they should've read the fine print. There is a clause at the back, under the Government stamp, that opens you to public ridicule by unqualified persons such as myself.
Bulging waistlines of politicians is a phenomenon that is not unique to Jamaica. Oh no, world leaders generally are prone to becoming a little portly during there tenure in office. Mr Obama must work out like a son of a gun to have maintained his physique to date, but the Clintons didn't have it so easy, so it's not just our problem. I would like to go on record as saying that it is stress that causes it.
Ask any medical professional and they'll attest to the fact that stress does cause people to spread. Luckily, my friend Babsy Grange left office before the stress took any further hold on her waistline.
Twitter fans (@ElvaJamaica) had a ball discussing this recently.
An observation was made that some of our nation's leaders can't go to the Bahamas because they would have to join the chain of islands together to accommodate them. So cruel, these Twitter people. Twitter folks took out their frustration on our stressed politicians, it was a blood fest. Most of the comments cannot be reproduced here, but I can say they were humorous. Names like Jabba the hut, Mr Snuffalupagus and The Blob were being thrown around recklessly.
Another famous tweet was that some politicians, upon winning their seats, moved from lean to having necks that looked eight months' pregnant. Why people stay so, Brandon? It's the stress, I tell you! A condition that needs medical attention. They can't help it.
The stress has blown up some politicians to the point where if you held up a 'then' and 'now' photograph of them, they wouldn't even resemble distant cousins.
As a matter of fact, if the two pictures were placed too closely together, 'Now" would be bracing on 'then'. Total transformation! Poor little, I mean, big souls. That's why I don't aspire to enter politics. The stress weight gain would reach me instantly, from the swearing-in ceremony my belt would have to be loosened and I'd have to get bigger pants with bigger pockets.
Oh well, we can only hope that medically they seek attention before we have to cancel the rumoured shipment of Benzes and replace them with forklifts. God knows the nation cannot afford this, if the rumour is true, we can barely afford to pay for the luxury cars, as it is. Being obese is usually very unhealthy and when you 'run' for office we expect you to stay lithe and limber, we are so entitled. Big up to all the politicians who manage to avoid stress weight gain, you are blessed, it is not easy to resist.
Have a great weekend, folks. Hail me firstname.lastname@example.org your comments are always welcome. Big up Sara Vascianne; Challaine Ruddock; Devon, Thorne, Michael; Dru Armani, Andre and my Escape 24/7 family, my Bashco family; Johnny Daley; 911 family and Mom and Dad.