Married woman pines for ex

All Woman

Dear Counsellor,

I've been married for a month now. It was an arranged marriage. I had been in a relationship for two years prior to that, but my ex backed out just two months before our wedding date. I tried desperately to hold on to him, but he was determined to leave. My husband is a nice person, but after a month of marriage I feel I have made a big mistake. I'm still madly in love with my ex, and he claims he loves me too. He was my first love. He has asked my forgiveness and wants me to come back to him. We communicate constantly and I feel comforted after talking with him. He also enjoys being with me, and we have rekindled our love life.

My husband and I don't share any emotional connection, and he does not love me. He simply thinks of me as a responsibility of his, and does what is required. However, I am not able to connect to him physically. Even foreplay doesn't work at all.

I don't know what to do. Please help.

Arranged marriages sometimes create more harm than good. So you were planning to get married, but the gentleman backed out two months before the wedding. Did his family have anything to do with it, or did he act on his own volition? Either way, this says a great deal about his sense of commitment or the lack thereof. If he intended to marry you and all the plans were in place, why did he withdraw at the last minute? Unless he had some compelling reason to act so callously, his behaviour was inexcusable. Did he give you any kind of explanation? He obviously never cared how deeply this unilateral decision would have affected you.

In keeping with your traditions, you married someone that your parents selected for you. Unfortunately, you both have neither a romantic nor an emotional connection, hence your current state of unhappiness.

The major challenge in your life is that you are distracted by your ex-boyfriend, and this compounds the situation. Given the circumstances of your marriage, you could either work on getting to know your husband better — although this should have happened before marriage — or continue to pine over someone who heartlessly blew his chance of making you his wife. Numerous couples who dated when they were young have had to separate for various reasons. Some of them rekindle their passion after the passage of time, and want to pick up where they left off. However, if one or both parties are already in committed relationships, they will find themselves in a quandary.

It could well be that your ex has recognised his folly and is now ready to step up and be a man. But are his efforts too little too late, or is he on a selfish campaign to unbalance you even further? Don't forget that he jilted you for no apparent reason.

You have indicated that you have no emotional attachment to your husband and that you still care for your ex. You seem to be contemplating walking away from your marriage and reconnecting with your insensitive lover. Before you come to a decision, however, be mindful that the excitement you now share with your ex will not necessarily remain during a second relationship with him. Sometimes people are better off being just good friends. That said, strict boundaries would have to be established and maintained between you both.

You describe your husband as a “nice person”. Have you considered the possibility of giving your marriage a chance to develop? After all, you both missed an important component of your relationship: dating. Who knows what could blossom if you were to focus your attention on the man who waited for you at the altar?

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.

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