Hubby shacking up with another woman

All Woman

DEAR COUNSELLOR,

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for four. We have been separated for three months, and he is now in another relationship. When I asked him why he is doing this, he said he has no specific reason. We have two young children. Will he come back? I am hurting.

Let us establish from the onset that for some men, having children does not guarantee their physical presence in the home. These are the men who will neglect their parental responsibility in favour of other women.

In some of these cases the other woman may demand that he must first renounce any allegiance with the mother of the children and the children if he is interested in a relationship. As much as this sounds preposterous, some men do step away from their children to satisfy the wishes of their new partners.

In your case your partner decided to walk away from the relationship giving no reasons for his actions. So now you are in a state of confusion trying to figure out what went wrong.

Did you not have any inkling that your partner was drifting away from you and the marriage? Did you not notice any changes in his behaviour? Was he less intimate than before? Was he withdrawn and not engaging with you or the children? Sometimes there are tell-tale signs that would indicate that one partner is unhappy in the relationship. If you were not paying attention you would have missed these signs and so the situation escalated with each passing day.

Could it be that you were overwhelmed with caring for the children that you left him out of the picture? Could it be that he felt that his sexual and emotional needs were disregarded? These are just some points to consider as you try and figure out what may have led to your partner's departure.

You obviously can't take full responsibility for the break-up of the marriage as your husband must be held accountable for his actions. To be separated for three months and be in a relationship soon after would suggest that he was relating to the other woman for some time. If he felt that his needs were being overlooked, he should have engaged you in a conversation and made an attempt to address the issue.

Looking after young children can be time consuming and physically draining. Hopefully he was willing and available to assist you with the household chores and attending to the children. Men who give a helping hand in this regard will be more attuned to their partners and will receive a reciprocate response in other areas of the relationship.

It is unfortunate that your husband is unwilling to share with you his rationale for leaving, but maybe he does not know himself and is just seeking time out to evaluate the situation. But having someone else in the picture does not help as he will be distracted as this person may have a personal agenda which includes having him for herself.

Will he return? Maybe, but in the event he doesn't make sure you suggest in the strongest terms that he connects with his children and see to their welfare.

If he decides to take a permanent departure, then so be it.

Do take care of yourself and avoid a rebound relationship.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.

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